I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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