Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
