My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
she told me i tasted like america
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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