He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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