Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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