I'm jealous of your bromance
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
