my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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