Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
