marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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