last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
