I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Reggie can tackle my bush.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
