exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
