my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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