We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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