I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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