I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
