sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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