i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
