big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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