I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
