i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
