Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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