I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
