Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
