There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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