She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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