please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize