Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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