just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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