Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
