you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
