I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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