I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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