It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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