All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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