Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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