Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
