True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
where are my pants?
in the oven.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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