I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
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