Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
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