Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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