Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Randomize
