Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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