you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
