I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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