I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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