Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
