Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
