I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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