i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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