I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
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