When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I just gift wrapped bread.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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