I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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