Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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