I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
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