Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
