Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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